Holding onto Hope
Ellie MacDonald lost her dad to suicide when she was four years old, and so set up HelloHope - a suicide awareness and prevention initiative - to try and help others spot the signs of when someone is suffering with suicidal thoughts. We shot Ellie’s portraits in Meanwood Park, Leeds which is somewhere she remembers spending time with her dad as a small child.
Tell us about what HelloHope is and why you set it up.
HelloHope is a Community Interest Company on a mission to support mental health and suicide prevention. I launched it in May 2024 as I lost my dad to suicide, and I have also recently experienced severe depression and anxiety. When I began my journey to recovery, I decided I wanted to support others experiencing the same if I could.
What are your memories of your dad?
I was only four years old when my dad died by suicide so sadly I have very few memories of him. The box I’m holding in these photographs is the only possession I have left of his and it has his photograph inside. I remember cutting through ginnels to go to Meanwood Park together and my family have shared their memories with me including how my dad and I were always laughing together. They say we had our own little secret club as nobody else was in on our jokes. I remember toddling around clutching ‘monkey record’ and getting him to play it (Talking Heads) and also hearing Dire Straits, two of his favourite bands, which in turn has become the music I most love too.
What did you understand about your dad not being around as a child?
I remember feeling very confused and unsure what happened and why he’d suddenly disappeared. I remember thinking I must have been bad and when my school friends asked why I no longer had a dad I remember telling him ‘he wanted to see what heaven looked like so he climbed a big ladder to the sky but couldn’t get back down’. It’s taken 30 years of work on myself (counselling, studying psychology and continued self-development) to get to a point where I finally understand he didn’t choose to leave me. He had an illness that took him away.
How do you feel what happened has shaped you as a person?
If I hadn’t lost my dad to suicide, I wouldn’t care as much as I do and want to put my heart and soul into my mission and set up HelloHope. Life can be really hard but it’s what you make out of the pain and opportunities that’s important. I’m driven to make a difference and help fewer people feel the pain I have experienced if I can.
What’s the most surprising thing you’ve learned about mental health as you’ve been on the journey to HelloHope?
I’m surprised that so many people still dare not talk about poor mental health. If you have a broken bone, you wouldn’t feel shame so why do we think this about poorly brains? I’m keen to share my story in a bid to help others open up about their own – the more we can talk about these things the easier conversations will be - we’ll break down the stigma and help people feel able to speak and get help.
What is your dream for HelloHope - what does it mean to you?
I want to bring our mental health and suicide prevention training to the masses. When I completed my training last year, it was honestly the best I have ever done, and I knew this was what I wanted to teach. I have a lot to do and I want to build an even bigger team of the best trainers to free me up to focus on raising awareness and reducing stigma through campaigns, events, activities and speaking to businesses, schools and community groups. It’s a big mission but I’m up for the challenge and ready to make a positive difference.
